Do you know the adjective that best describes me?

Awkward.

People have been using this word for eons in conjunction with yours truly.  I’ve gotten used to it, grown into it, embraced it.  I have a 100% money back guarantee that I can take even the most awkward of situations and make them just plain more AWKWARD.  (Bestie #1, I see you sitting up there in the wind tunnel of the state, nodding in agreement, guffawing outloud at this, your personal shout-out.)

A reader today told me she was reading my blog aloud to her boyfriend (I apologize to him because I’m sorry, but that would be quite boring to me…) and she was tearing up from laughing so hard.  Not only did 1. He seriously question his relationship with this person, but 2. He asked her if I was single. HA.  Apparently he has a friend with whom I’d just get along famously.

So THEN I started thinking about blind dates in general, which I’ve never been on, which I’ll never be on in the forseeable future or hopefully ever, and how AWKWARD it would be to go on a blind date with me.  Seeing how awkward I am just walking down the street and all. 

I have this problem with eye contact, where I get exTREMEly uncomfortable looking into another person’s eyes for any length of time, so I kind of look at them then quickly look off to the left of them or above them and just keep flitting back and forth between the two.  I’m fairly certain most people caught in coversation with me are just sure I’m giving the go-ahead to a serial killer behind them to pounce and strangle them with a phone cord just so I can finish their food.  (These are the thoughts I have on a daily basis.  Please be concerned.)

I’ve actually been at a networking mocktail event where we got feedback from professionals and one guy was trying to be nice before he just cut to the awkward chase and said, “Uhh, your eye contact.  You were looking over my shoulder the whole time.”  Oh, I’m sorry, Sir.  I was just bored out of my mind by you. 

ANYWAY, so let’s say I’m on this hypothetical blind date and we manage to establish some sort of semi-acceptable level of looking at each other.  The second super awkward thing would be that Bestie would be sitting either directly next to me, in the booth behind me, or in a table across the way just downin’ beers til I was done.  Now if my date can’t accept this TOO BAD– he sucks and should just go lay down in traffic.  Bestie and I have actually had a conversation about how people obviously assume we’re together when in public.  This generally does not bother us when we’re at the meat market, for example (they like us there) but perhaps does hinder us when out on the town. 

He is often perplexed by the sort of sketch characters I find myself pining o’er.  For example, one real winner he and I  recently befriended came to the rescue when we were grilling brats during tailgating but the charcoal wasn’t  lighting.  One of our favorite Sunday afternoon activities is recapping certain portions of the weekend that may be hazy for one another for whatever reason, and I laughed out loud at this particular tale he re-told me:

“He lit the grill with hairspray and a lighter.  I looked at you and said, ‘Yep, she is in love with him.’  Your jaw was on the ground.  I was like, it’s not Tom Cruise over there!”  (I realize not actually knowing him, you’d probably like the five seconds of your life back that it just took you to read that, but I assure you– it was uproariously hilarious.)

Where was I?  Oh yes, blind date that will never happen.  Side note: I would not actually mind having a blind date.  I could win him over with my wit and intellect without actually having to change out of my pajamas.  This would also alleviate much of the self-consciousness I harbor over my abnormally large cheeks (when you’re 15 and the love of your freshman-in-high-school life says you remind him of a baboon because of your chubby cheeks, YOU REMEMBER.)

This blind date guy would only prove to be a real winner when 1. He stuck around to watch me eat way  more than him.  Because it is inevitable that I would eat more than him.  If he wanted to go plate-for-plate, BRING IT.  If he suggests stopping for ice cream after, I have found my prince.  2. He paid for it.  Only because in my current financial situation, I had to actually decide today between buying a 74 cent bag of popcorn at work or a postage stamp– if you know me at all, you’ll know which I chose.  (Okay, I’m not that poor, it’s just all the change I had on me.  But I’ve recently discovered I’ve spent way too much since coming to college.  Um, oops.)  I am by no means one of those Make the Guy Pay for Everything gals (just ask the ex) but it would be a nice gesture.  Especially since the odds of him calling after said blind date are moot, he can at least swing one dinner.

In conclusion, it should be interesting to see how my awkwardness translates in Deutsch.  Since I’m pretty much planning on meeting the love of my life over there, who will also just happen to play for some World Cup-winning soccer (excuse me, football) team, I should really brush up on my nonverbal skills.  A.k.a. bedroom eyes.  Maybe we’ll just start with the eye contact first.