Note: the following story contains no exaggerations. At all. Seriously, it all happened. Unfortunately.

I just killed a motherfucking cockroach. Yes, this post deserves any expletives that might happen upon it. I was on the phone with my parents, chit-chatting about the monotony that is my day-to-day, when I saw a softball-sized thing crawling up my bathroom door. Now, living in the garden apartment, I’ve gruesomely murdered my fair share of in-ground creatures– centipedes included (for curious readers: I will absolutely move out the minute I see a rodent.) Usually I leave Fergus to chase after the flies or moths that might get in, but this fist-sized demon monster was above his eye level, and I know my little hound too well– he’d be far too scared of this cockroach than it would be of him.

“BlaaahhhhhCockRoachAaaaahhhhh!!!! It’s antennae are as long as its body!!!!!!!!!!!”

Lord knows Papa K and T-Bone probably laughed a million at my expense, but this.was.not.funny. Mom said something about bug spray or hairspray, but I barely had time to heed warning before dropping the phone and grabbing my nearest weapon of choice– a lint roller.

“FERGUS! FERGUS! FERGUS!” I waited until the cockroach had crawled to the back of the bathroom door so I could sneak attack it with hairspray in one hand, lint roller in the other. I tiptoed in to barrage that insect (are they insects? Arachnids? I’m too freaked out to Google it) with the will and power of something reminiscent of the attacks on Fallujah. Unfortunately, I recently ran out of Garnier aerosol and was left with stealing Avon pump spray out of Mom’s bottom drawer last time I was home, so my weapon of choice was not as effective as I feel it could have been.

I triumphed too early when the ol’ roach went down– he was brilliant at faking dead. Just when I’d released the first vice grips on my heart, the little fuck start running along the baseboards toward the safety of the back of the toilet. Long story short, the cockroach got almost down the hall to my room until I finally worked up the guts to just bash it to juicy pieces with the lint roller. My entire bathroom floor is now covered in hairspray, Fergus can’t stop sneezing, and I guarantee you I won’t get a MINUTE of sleep tonight after knowing that things could be crawling all over me in my sleep.