For those of you who haven’t the slightest clue what I’m doing (include me in that) you can click here to read the rest of the 10 Day Posting Topics Thingy I’ve been doing. Don’t worry, it’s almost over.
Day Eight: three turn ons
…hahahahahahahahahahahaha awkward. First of all, how is this much different than the list of ways to my heart? Second of all, if this list were that different, I’m not sure I’d be answering with three sincere answers since the majority of my readers are the parents of my parents. Well, here goes nothin’:
3. Be larger than me. Huge props to you if you can lift me. I suppose you could do this if you were some freakishly strong scrawny kid (I’m looking at you, D-Bag) but generally, if I can eat more than you, it’s not exactly a turn on.
2. Have a drug addiction. Ok, maybe not a debilitating habit to the point where you need to constantly wear sweaters to hide your track marks, but who ISN’T turned on by the whole bad boy thing? So you’ve done some time for possession with intent to sell– I can dig it.
1. Smell like laundry detergent. Wear aviator sunglasses. Make lots of money and buy me things. Sigh a girl can dream.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
….HA! I’m really trying hard to not make all eight of these food items. If you’d like that list, though, I already have it printed out and kept in triplicate in both my Iowa City home, vehicle, and hometown. Because let’s be honest, number 8 is going to be:
8. FOOD. Buy it for me. Make it for me. Really anything except greasily-meated pizza which I still have some sort of aversion against. Gift cards to food places, take me to a restaurant, give me your leftover pizza crusts– the number one (or is this case, number eight) way to my heart is through FOOD.
7. I suppose I should say humor. There’s really no one in my life who isn’t at least slightly amusing, so I figure this just goes without saying. And yes, to those of you who are still under the impression that NPH doesn’t talk– he makes me laugh more than anyone!!
6. Skilled in our non-public times together. Yeahhhh girl, you got it. Contrary to the beliefs most of my family still holds, I have been alone with a male behind closed doors. Purely to work on homework, of course. I realize this one isn’t exactly a way to win one’s heart since one should go before the other, but just in case you were to entrap me in some sort of Ponzi scheme in your bedroom, this would be the best way to spin it.
Author’s note: this one is really hard and even more dumb than the rest on the list. Seriously, I covered it with my first one.
5. Doesn’t think Germany automatically equals Hitler. I suppose this one equals out to “don’t be a dumbass,” but since returning from abroad, this is actually an unfortunately common misconception among my peers. So if you wanna get in these sugar walls, don’t be ignorant. This also applies to all matters of equality rights (goddamn college liberals.)
4. Be employed. Having dated an unemployed schmuck (love you, P. Wood!) I now know having a steady income or two is crucial to wining and dining me. Simply because otherwise I’m the one who ends up footing the bill for aforementioned wining and dining, and well, see number 8– my dining ain’t cheap.
3. …Get along with my family? I’m really just pulling at strings at this point. My family– and I mean as the collective whole, not necessarily the three crazies (love you, immediate family!) I spend the majority of my time with– are quite ahhhh, ummmmm, a piece of work. You’re reading it, and you know you are. There aren’t enough hours in my month to explain the background on these groups, but I suppose the “key to my heart” as per this post, is to just smile and nod in all situations. To be fair, both sides can cook like nobody’s business, and you at least won’t be sober during any interaction with either.
2. Food. Yes, it deserves at least two of these eight.
1. Tell me how awesome I am. Good Lord, she has a blog dedicated to her own thoughts and triumphs– clearly she’d like to be told at least four times a day (in person, by text, and even e-mail are all perfectly acceptable mediums) what an amazing human anomaly she is. …am I right? Yeah, yeah I’m right. Later in therapy it will all come out as to why I think the universe revolves around me, but until then– just feed into it. Feeeeeeed me.

Why am I the only person who answers in lecture when the professor asks what beastiality or necrophilia is?  (It’s a class on the First Amendment, we were defining “prurient interests”…)  Apparently I have no problem shouting “Sex with animals!” and “Sex with dead people!” in a roomful of 100+ people.

Did you hear about the former Miss Argentina who DIED during her recent cosmetic surgery?  The not even 40-year-old mother of twins had a pulmonary embolism during her butt surgery.  She died for the perfect ass.  So, so sad.  I am quite anti-plastic surgery, for myself.  Friends have had it and it was great for them, fabulous.  While I wouldn’t mind a magic lipo fairy (or if I were to wake up with boobs that could actually be discerned from an adolescent boys’), those things are pipe dreams, and I’d never actually pay for them or put my life in danger for a better body.  Most of my issues are in my head anyway, so those thousands of dollars would be better spent on a shrink.  There’s a documentary Killer at Large about America’s obesity epidemic, and it opens with a TWELVE-YEAR-OLD girl undergoing liposuction.  She gained it back.  Went across the border to Mexico for lap band surgery.  I’m going to change the subject now, lest I begin an unstoppable diatribe on healthy eating and GETTING OFF YOUR ASS and playing outside at the ripe old age of 12.

We are now listening to George Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words” bit in class.  My professor loves writing “bad” words on the board.  Hey, it keeps us from falling to sleep (and yes, I’m blogging during class.  I have faith that if George Carlin is on the final, I’ll be able to come up with a few of my favorite obscenities to put in the short answer section.)

Today is my half birthday.  Give me presents, I don’t care if they’re half presents.

It is also World AIDs Day.  90 people get the swine flu & everyone wants to wear a mask; millions of people have AIDs and no one wants to wear a condom.  In the words of my wise mother, wrap it before you tap it.  Or erm, get tapped?  There is free HIV & AIDs testing on campus today.  I will not be taking advantage of this, mostly because you would need a male figure to at least look in your general direction once a century to have some sort of sexually transmitted disease.  Also, I give blood on the reg and I would hope the ol’ blood center would have called me up by now if my donated fluids were killing people.

You know what I can’t do anymore?  Sleep.  The ol’ gray matter cannot shut off, racked with anxiety over how I will move out of my apartment, if the girl who’s “90% sure” she can sublease it will ever e-mail me back, where I’ll put all my furniture, how underprepared I am to go to Germany, how I have Christmas presents for only one of my family members, how I have no money to buy Christmas presents for the other family members, on and on and ON.  Also, the new Weezer song was stuck in my head.  And that horrible “3″ song by Britney Spears which sounds like someone recorded a damn cat in a microwave.

Dear Brittney, when you have class for over an hour, DO NOT DRINK lots of coffee beforehand.  10 minutes left.  Either the clock or my bladder will win, and at this point, I really am not sure which.

Hi,

My name’s Brittney,

(“Hi, Brittney!”)

And I am a social media addict.  (Shame on you for thinking it was anything else…)

I was reading this article this morning: http://www.retrevo.com/content/blog/facebooktwitternewcigarette that basically acknowledges my generation being a bunch of TwitteringFacebooking freaks– and I’d have to agree, especially seeing that over 1/3 of people surveyed tweet, text, or check their Facebook after sex.

The thing is, though, I am one of these freaks! (Note: I am not acknowledging that I am one of these 36% because that would be acknowledging that I have, in fact, kissed a boy which means that no, I am not in fact entering a convent after college.  That is just a road this blog does not need to travel down today, or ever.)  Friends and I have actually had the discussion “What would we do without the Internet?  How did college students do research papers before Google?” 

I realize this makes us sound like complete dolts, and in many respects we are.  If the World Wide Web were to suddenly disappear, therapists would see a lot more clients because 1.) the withdrawal would be a bitch; and 2.) we would feel completely disconnected.  God forbid we pick up the phone or have lunch with an old friend– log on to Facebook chat, talk about yourself for five or ten minutes, and it’s like no time passed at all!

The big number seemed to be “these kids are checking their Facebooks more than TEN TIMES a day!!”  Yep.  I believe it.  Mostly because the ol’ Fbook is my homepage when I pull up the Internet (it would be either that or Perezhilton.com people, I never claimed to be refined.)  Apparently the iPhone is quite a large enabler when it comes to this– thankfully I don’t have one because 1.) I would break it/ lose it/ drop it in a pitcher of beer/ use it as a bartering chip in a drinking game and lose/ leave it on the bus/ etc. ; 2.) I hate, hate, hate that touch screen; 3.) I would be on the Internet EVEN MORE than I currently am, which is a shameful, embarrassing amount of time.

I am not proud of my time on the Internet– I’m sure I’d be much more worldly if I logged off and picked up a book.  I’d be at least ten pounds thinner if I put down the tweets and laced up my running shoes.  But it’s what I’m supposed to do, how I talk to my friends, it’s even helped for journalism assignments when I have to find interviews/sources/creep on people I don’t know just for the sake of my grade.

And hooooo doggy, do I creep.  I can find anyone, and we’re talking anyone, who has a Facebook.  It’s not that hard– a couple of search terms, their general area of residence (it’s an immense help if you know what school they go to…)  It once took me about half a day to find someone from Australia given only a first name and their continent of residence, but by golly I did it.  (Having said that outloud, wow, Brittney– WOW… pathetic.)

I have been Facebook-less and phone-less (never at the same time, what are you, CRAZY?!?!) and not gonna lie, it felt awesome.  When you’re off of Facebook for say, 48 hours, and you log back on, you realize…. nothing has changed.  Barring no natural disasters or sudden deaths you haven’t been informed of, Suzie Q from down the hall is still complaining about how she just can’t study for her bio test, and that guy you hooked up with and awkwardly friended the next day still has not sent you a message about how he just can’t stop thinking about you because let’s face it, he hasn’t once thought about you.

My big question for this sickos social media-ing after sex survey (a hint of alliteration– did you get it?  I thought it was nice…) is what are they saying?  I’ve never seen a Twitter update “Just did the horizontal no-pants dance with @brittneyw, hope she leaves my bed soon!”  I’ve seen a few racier Facebook statuses, but those generally come with the territory when you’re friends with a large portion of the hormone-driven campus of really any college.  I guess the survey didn’t say that they’re updating the world on their behind-closed-door goings-on, they’re simply checking to see what POSSIBLY could have happened in the (let’s face it) 15 minutes that they were disconnected.  Oh, and texting at least one of their friends– those gems are the reason Texts from Last Night is so popular (looooove it!!)

In conclusion, I have been up way too early for being “on vacation.”  A few good things have come of this, however:

1. Shout out to Hampton Inn for a pretty decent continental breakfast.

2. I have discovered  yet another networking site (mwah-ha-ha) but this one has, so far, proven to  be more helpful than most I’m shamelessly registered for.  Live Mocha http://www.livemocha.com is a site that helps you learn a language by using others who speak that language.  For example, I am registered as a person who’s native language is English and is beginning to learn German (Ich bin eine Frau.)  People who actually speak German can review my pronunciations, give me feedback & in return I can do the same (I just reviewed someone’s written exercise– he only messed up by saying “I am is tall and young” and I was all “Yo, homeskillet– you can take out the is.”)